Bouncebackability

I smile because I have survived everything the world has thrown at me. I smile because when I was knocked down, I got back up.

Had you asked me only two years ago I wouldn’t have even been able to tell you what gaslighting was, nor that I had been a victim.

That’s the thing about gaslighting, it can sneak into your life unknowingly and before you know it, it can lead you to a breaking point where you are doubting your sanity and your life is spiralling out of control.

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse, where an uneven power dynamic is created by an abuser, leading their victim to doubt their reality.

Gaslighting is insidious in that it can begin subtly, then, as the victim’s confidence is chipped away, can lead to further forms of abuse, where the victim is coerced into submission of the wants of the abuser.

But often we think of gaslighting as something that only really happens in romantic relationships. The truth is, it can happen in any relationship - in friendships, families, at work, that's why it's so important we see gaslighting examples so we are more prepared to spot the signs.

Signs of gaslighting:

no longer feeling like the person you used to be

being more anxious and less confident than you used to be

often wondering if you’re being too sensitive

feeling like everything you do is wrong

always thinking it’s your fault when things go wrong

apologizing often

having a sense that something’s wrong, but being unable to identify what it is

often questioning whether your response to your partner, friend, family member or colleague is appropriate (e.g., wondering if you were too unreasonable or not loving enough)

making excuses for your partner’s, friend, family and colleagues  behaviour

avoiding giving information to friends or family members to avoid confrontation

feeling isolated from friends and family

finding it increasingly hard to make decisions

feeling hopeless and taking little or no pleasure in activities you used to enjoy

Gaslighting examples

People who gaslight become experts at pushing your buttons, and they know your sensitivities and vulnerabilities and use that knowledge against you. They make you doubt yourself, your judgment, your memory, and even your sanity.

Gaslighting enables narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths to exhaust you to the point where you are unable to fight back. Rather than finding ways to healthily detach from this toxic person, you are sabotaged in your efforts to find a sense of certainty and validation in what you've experienced.

Examples include:

Trivializing how you feel: “Oh yeah, now you’re going to feel sorry for yourself.”

Telling you that people are talking behind your back: “Don’t you know? The whole family talks about you. They think you’re losing it.”

Saying things to you that they later deny having said: “I didn’t say I’d take the deposit to the bank. What are you talking about? Thanks a lot for the insufficient fund's fee we’re going to get.”

Hiding objects from you, and then deny knowing anything about it: “You seriously can’t find your sunglasses again? That’s alarming.”

Insisting you were or were not at a certain place, even though it’s not true: “You’re crazy. You never went to that show with me. I should know.”

Deaf women are twice as likely as their hearing peers to suffer domestic abuse. Around 22 Deaf women are at risk of abuse every day. Ironically, a key role in this is played by BSL, their preferred language – as every word and expression could be a potential trigger.
Moreover, if your perpetrator is active within the Deaf Community, they’ll know how to exploit your communication skills. This inhibits you from reaching out to even your closest Deaf friends – never mind your family (many of whom lack signing skills).

But the experience of domestic abuse for Deaf women is the same as hearing women. We are seduced by our perpetrator’s apparent sincerity, their psychological control – grooming us for abuse. By the time the violence turns physical, we’re emotionally and mentally paralysed, unable to articulate ourselves properly to those close to us.

Your trust, self-esteem and well-being are thus broken, your signing breaks up too. You daren’t explain the smallest detail of your abuse to anyone, for fear word reaches your perpetrator (gossip spreads fast in the Deaf Community). With so many eyes on you, clear-headed objectivity feels impossible.

You cannot hide your emotions behind sign language quite like you can with the written word. Deaf people are well-known for bluntness, which doesn’t sit well with a democracy where justice must prevail, and people are innocent until proven guilty.

How best to address this DeafHope, the UK’s first anti-domestic abuse service for Deaf survivors – but sadly, few will be in their London catchment area.
To that, I’d add Deaf awareness training and a few BSL classes. The more we can work together on the issue, the more chances will improve for Deaf survivors.

Women’s Aid is exploring how they can make their resources more accessible so that everyone can find the information and support they need. If you have skills or experience you could offer such as signing, translation, or even film-making, please contact them so we can help every woman suffering from domestic abuse.

One of the greatest awakenings comes when you realize that not everybody changes. Some people never change. And that's their journey. It's not yours to try to fix for them.
I don't personally believe that people change, I think they get worse.

This blog is dedicated to all the women that are suffering in silence, those that have suffered and many still living this ordeal. Please, you are not alone 💚💜 reach out.

I would like to also highlight that men can also experience domestic abuse from a partner or a former partner in heterosexual or same-sex relationships. Men can also be abused by family members: adult children, siblings or others. Family abuse against men includes so-called ‘honour’-based abuse, such as forced marriage. 

Domestic abuse against men is perpetrated by both men and women, as well as people of other gender identities.  

Domestic abuse is often discussed as a women’s issue because the majority of domestic abuse is experienced by women (and perpetrated by men). However, domestic abuse also happens to lots of men. 

I would like to dedicate this blog to people who have genuinely made a difference in my life this year.

 
Here's to strong women 💜💚

 
Phyllis Magloire 

Espérance Félicianne

Helen Cutler

Tessa Sanderson CBE

Samantha Renke

Jackie Brown

Jenny Baynes

Dee Cascarina

Jessica Kim Quijano

Karen Gilford 

Allison Marshall 

Francesca Verona

Tao Winchester 

Janet Christie

Sarah Louise Morris

Jennie 💜

Lisa Randall

Julie Fauvel-Howard

Thank you, ladies, for all the love and support 💚💜 love you all 💜💚

Here are some useful links:
If you need to talk to someone…

If you want to access support over the phone, you can call, also via live chat or access BSL interpreters.

National Domestic Abuse Helpline – 0808 2000 247 –

 www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/ (run by Refuge)

The Men’s Advice Line, for male domestic abuse survivors – 0808 801 0327 (run by Respect)

The Mix, free information and support for under 25s in the UK – 0808 808 4994
National LGBT+ Domestic Abuse

 Helpline – 0800 999 5428 (run by Galop)
Samaritans (24/7 service) – 116 123

Please share this with your friends and anyone in need of a push towards a brighter future.

Love AK 💚💜